I found the following “novel” in a box of childhood memorabilia. It appears to have been written in stages (often one sentence at a time) between September 13 and December 16, 1974. I was seven. Illustrations are credited to David Schrag, Erik Rosado, and Pike Porter, classmates of mine at the now-defunct Walden Elementary School at 88th and Central Park West.

Once upon a time there was an astronaut. This astronaut went to the moon. Suddenly he was surrounded by moonmen. He walked up to one of them. “Can you speak English?” he asked. “Xchyzpeaioulxbd!?”" said the mooonman. He walked up to the king. “Your man is dumb,” he said. Now, the king could understand English and when he heard the astronaut say those words he said “[meaningless, wordless, scribble].” Then two moonmen grabbed him off, you see what the king had said was in English “Take him to be brainwashed!”

In the brainwashing room there was a tape recorder and it kept saying “I am a slave I am a slave.” After a few hours the astronaut came out and fell down. Then he got up and said “I am a slave.” Then he fell down again. When he got up it was night. He stumbled in to the place where the moonmen were having coffee. He knocked down the king’s coffee. The king said (in English) “Now you are my slave! You must do what I tell you to!” Then the king and his men walked out of the room. Now the astronaut was all alone. He ran after the king but the king was gone.

Then the astronaut (or rather slave) lay down and went to sleep. In the morning the new “slave” woke up. Then he saw the king.

“Get up!” yelled the king. “It is time for you to marry my daughter! Here she is!”

“Yuk.” said the astronaut. “I don’t wanna marry her!”

“You will!”

“I won’t!”

“Will!”

“Won’t!”

“Will!”

“Will?”

“Will!”

“Won’t!”

“Look this is getting silly!” said the king. “I know,” said the slave. “If you marry my daughter,” said the king, “you shall have your freedom.”

“I will take …”

“Well?”

“Your daughter!”

“I was afraid of that,” said the king. “Mary! Take off your costume! Here is who you married.”

“And now I will take off my costume,” said the king.

Then, after the Royal Wedding the prince and the princess went back to Earth. When they landed the astronaut who started like an astronaut and returned like a prince became the most famous man in the U.S.

THE END

[The assignment was not graded, but the teacher commented: “I have thoroughly enjoyed your wonderful story. And I can’t wait to see what the next one will be. Would you like a new journal that doesn’t keep falling apart?”]

Moral: If your seven-year-old takes several months to produce an inane piece of literary garbage, don’t despair. He or she may one day grow up to write an inane blog.